Could you critique or rate this?

Tips and Deals Forums Consumer Credit Improve Credit Could you critique or rate this?

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    • #367209

      This piece is staring at me, yelling “IMPROVE ME MORE!” So, please critique? 🙂 I have a thick skin, so don’t worry.

      I had no idea that I’d been living a man for some part of my life. The clerk gave me a sarcastic grin after I swiped my credit card through the slot. “Hello, Mr. Richardson.” I glanced over my shoulder in the midst of signing my name. I saw no one hovering near me that was purchasing a Buzz Light Year toy for his son.

      “Excuse me?” I was distracted by the swooping and ringing up of items in nearby aisles. I looked up hesitantly before finishing the ‘n’ and ‘e’ on my name.

      “You are Brian Richardson, right?” He said this in a peculiar way, as if I didn’t know I had come dressed like a male with a beard and as if I as wearing a hat to cover up my obvious uncombed hair.

      “Kate Tulane. Why do you say that?” Shocked, I let my palm onto my face. It was smooth as I remembered it before, and my hair fell far below my shoulders.

      “My screen tells me otherwise. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to confiscate this card and write down your name.”

      The credit card was out of my hand before I was given a chance to speak. The digital purchase screen cleared and I remained speechless until the clerk peered up from penciling my name on a scrap paper. “Tulane, you said?”

      “Yes, but, I don’t understand. I haven’t taken any one’s card.”

      “You’ll have to contact your lawyers, m’am. I don’t have a say in it. Please step out of line, I have customers waiting.”

      I was empty handed as I arrived home. The door unlocked to an anxious to receive child, my son, Leo. He instead opened up to immediate disappointment. He stood on his toes to look into my bag, but returned to a hurt face. He came to my side when I sat at the table and keys clashed on the countertop.

      “Did you get it, mom?” The young squealing voice grabbed my uttermost attention and I caught a hold of myself.

      “You might have to wait another few weeks, darling.” I soothed him by combing his hair through my fingers. I pulled him onto my lap as he reached out. He fixed his eyes intently on me to listen. “All great men must eat before they play. What do you say – let’s have a grilled cheese sandwich and count down the days?”

      Thanks in advance!
      PS: Saying it’s good will -not- get you best answer

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